Okay, so last summer I worked for a beer distributer, stocking shelves pretty much (its called a merchandiser). It was a sweet job because I only worked with one person the whole day and they were usually pretty laid back and focused on their work. In addition, it pays $12 an hour + expenses and gives 40 hours a week on average (sometimes it goes over, great overtime pay ). Anyways. Part of the condition of me living at home while I'm at college is having a job available during summer and winter breaks. This winter I didn't work because I got fired from my cashier job. My mom made it hell for me and on top of that I had a financial aid mess for college to deal with. So anyways, I survived the winter, but my brain was barely in one piece. It was definitely the worst break I've ever had because my mom was *constantly* on my ass about how I didn't have a job and didn't even socialize or volunteer, basically I sat in my room. She didn't know about my SPD back then and neither did I. Anyhow, fast forward to today. I applied for the job I had last year a month and a half earlier than I did last year. I barely made it onto a waiting list of people who applied for the job. My step brother applied 2 weeks later (still a full month before we applied last year) and was immediately rejected. Anyways, I have been home for a month now, and not only have I not started working yet, I don't even know if I have the job yet. I've been calling them for an hour now and I keep getting their voicemail. I think its absurd that a company this size is sending people to voicemail on a Monday. I was already starting work for them at this point last year and not only do I need the money, but I also need to get my mom off my back. She knows about my SPD now, so she was patient for the first 3 weeks, at least relatively speaking, because she is never really patient, she just hides her impatience. But now she has begun hounding me to get a job again. But the worst thing is that the summer jobs are probably all full by now (relatively speaking, because there will always be summer jobs, but the vast majority have already been filled). My mom wants me to go back to my old job (as a cashier, which I hated ) and I may not have many options. If I had known my merchandiser job would be such a hassle to get back this year, I would have applied elsewhere too, but it is sadly too late and I don't have contacts to hook me up with a job like my step brother always does. I'm getting stressed out because I know this is just going to turn into another debacle like this winter was. The last thing I need is a lecture every day about how 'you're 21 now, you aren't a kid anymore, you need to grow up (essentially the same line I've been hearing since I was 12)' and how 'I just *NEED* a job' or it'll be the end of the world because I'm not making money and I owe my 'so much money'. I have borrowed over the last year about $10,000 from my mom, for a used car because my last one broke down and to cover the gap in my financial aid because my mom arbitrarily refused to cosign a private loan with me, but I have also paid back $6000 of that. I suppose if you count car insurance I could still owe $4500 or $5000. But still. I am a COLLEGE STUDENT. I don't have a full time job. I have a minimum wage job, half of my pay from that job goes to paying fees for school, or getting supplies like laundry detergent. I can't deal with her constant reminding me about how I need to keep paying her back, only to simultaniously get lectured about how I don't have enough cash saved up -_- . WTF? I have about $2000-2500 in savings in the form of silver coins but because it isn't cash I suppose it doesn't count. I've paid back $6000 in the last year, which any broke college student will tell you is...

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I have learned a lot since I started writing here, about myself and other schizoids. Also, turns out I have some bad 'mommy issues' in much the same way that a lot of women have 'daddy issues'. Which sucks because I'm living with her all summer

Moved back home from college yesterday. Spent most of the day sleeping and cleaning my room and unpacking. Overall a good day, but not looking forward to this summer. Being home usually sucks. Can't wait for next semester so I can go back to my poorly lit dorm room, sit around, and do nothing of value Of course, there will be schoolwork and pseudo-socializing (<-I believe that one word sums up the covert schizoid) but that is manageable and it is less stressful there than here. I feel like I was the only student I knew who was dreading the summer

The worst of finals week has finally passed and I've done 'good enough' on my Organic Chemistry final. Sounds good to me. Also, it has been brought to my attention that I use a "'we schizoids' this 'us schizoids' that" type of attitude, and that I haven't adequately taken into account that not all schizoids are like me. Fair enough. I'll try to be more open minded and do my best to not shove people into categories and compare everyone to myself. I apparently also dwell in my comments on my relative emotional deficiency. Alright. I'm new at this and I'm only human. Ill learn, I promise

The last thing I want to do is get on anybodies nerves. If I'm overly abrasive, annoying, offensive, feel free to berate me via private message.

(get ready for potential ranting) My name is Bryan. I am 21 and I'm a (kinda) covert schizoid. I'm self diagnosed. I am 100% sure that I am a schizoid, I have done the research and I wouldn't claim to be one if there was even the slightest doubt in my mind. The only emotion that I don't have to fake on a regular basis is humor. I tend to laugh a lot, but otherwise I just feel dead and empty inside. I'm not depressed, its just a general feeling of 'meh' that seems to have started around middle school. I kinda got used to it. I generally tend to think the worst part is the apathy. Knowing you should do something, but not being able to motivate yourself. For example, I am at college and Finals start tomorrow. My first final is at 8am and I cannot motivate myself to study. I am here instead, and have been for 4 hours. Its a good thing I didn't bring my Xbox or I'd be failing my classes. Also, I am not asexual like some schizoids, nor do I dislike sex. I never had any desire for it though until I had it. Its nice I suppose, I like it, but I feel like it is over hyped. I do have a decent group of 'friends' on my floor at my dorm. They are OK I guess, I go to meals with them, but with only one exception I really couldn't care less if they dropped off the face of the planet. The exception is a girl on my floor who is a psychopathic schizophrenic aspie. Couldn't make that one up if I tried. I think she is interesting and I can relate to her surprisingly well, even though we behave as opposites. But again, the rest are fairly disposable. It seems mean to say that, but its how I feel I have one friend back home, who I have known since I was 4, but even though I feel content with our friendship, he is frustrated that I don't keep in touch when I am at school. Oh well. He is loyal enough that he won't go stomping off in a temper tantrum. My parents are divorced. Everyone in high school thought I was weird, but I also thought they were weird, so the lack of desire for friendship there is mutual. I don't care enough about my dad to keep in regular contact. My brother and sister, same story. My mom is controlling, and the only person who can inspire real emotions in me, generally fear or shame. Having a serious conversation with her would probably compare to having the biggest job interview of your life, with the interviewer being someone you've admired since you were a child, only to have the interview you tear you a new one and point out your incompetence. She doesn't even have to get emotional or mean to incite these feelings, and she typically doesn't. She tends to be even tempered. I have a genuine disdain for her. I'm assuming from both my memories of my teen years and my emotional response that she caused me to develop into a schizoid. She was a cold, distant single mother who was never there and showed favoritism for my sister. So I guess I resent her. But thats moot I guess. Its mothers day, and I only sent her a text to avoid her getting angry or sad when I go home next week, cause who needs to deal with that stress When I am financially independent, I will probably not speak to her again. Anyhow, sorry for that rant I guess, deep down, I would like to have a 'girlfriend' of some sort, though I also kinda don't at the same time. Preferably I'd like her to be someone who doesn't want to ever have kids (gag), and someone who will respect my privacy, especially with my cell phone and computer! They are mine and only mine and touching them or looking at them is a capitol offense to me Also, I know some schizoids like having a separate...

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